Kiwi jokes

Compliments of my Kiwi friends, here are the two worst jokes of all time:


Two prawns, Ted and Christian were swimming away from a shark when they met a cod. The cod said to them "I feel sorry for you. I'll grant you any wish you want". Ted was tired of running away from sharks, so he said "I want to be a shark" and poof, he became a shark. Christian was scared witless and swam away quickly. Ted thought being a shark was great, and for two weeks, he swam around feeling great. He soon began to feel lonely though, because every time he tried to go see his prawn friends, they swam away in fright. One day he came across the same cod. The cod said "you seem sad, what's the matter?" "I'm lonely" Ted replied, "I want to be changed back into a prawn". The cod took pity on him for a second time, and changed him back. Ted swam to see his friends happily, and and treated them all to a cocktail. He didn't see Christian though, and asked where he was. His friends told him he was at home because his best friend was trying to eat him. Ted went to his friend's house and knocked on the door. "go away" Christian shouted angrily. "You're trying to eat me!" Ted, almost in tears shouted back "It's me! I found Cod! I'm a prawn again, Christian!"

John is a huge tractor fan. He goes to tractor shows, collects models of tractors, reads tractor magazines and restores old tractors. His obsession drives his wife crazy. Finally, after five years of marriage, she's had enough. "You have to decide - the tractors or me!" she tells him angrily. John thinks long and hard, and finally he decides to give up the tractors. He sells his collections, and starts to lead a normal life. This goes on for a few months, but he starts to get more and more depressed, and starts drinking regularly at a pub down the street. One day while he was at the pub, a fire broke out and all of the patrons were trapped. The flames grew larger and larger and smoke filled the room. John suddenly jumped up on the bar let out a breath, and sucked all of the smoke and flames out of the bar. The people were obviously stunned. "John, how on earth did you do that?" asked a leggy blond. "It was easy" John replied modestly "I'm an ex tractor fan!"


Any complaints about the terrible quality of the jokes should be forwarded to Nathan and Hayden.

Mullets

I've been searching for the ultimate mullet for a long time now, and each time I think I find it, someone comes along to trump it. I first thought I had found the ultimate champion in the German engineer that was in Korea for about a month in mid 2005. He had a severely short almost military style cut, and then a blond mullet down to his lower back.

Champion number two was the photographer at Matt Delaney's wedding. It wasn't as long, and the top and sides weren't as severely short, but it was black hair (Korean, go figure) with blond streak throughout. My first thought was that he had gone out and killed a not so small furry animal and used it's pelt for a scalp warmer. Anyone who was at the wedding will vouch for this.

I met the new champion while leaving work this morning. I finished class five minutes early, and got to the entrance right when the bus loads of workers arrived. Then, out of the crowd, my eyes became riveted to a blond masterpiece. First of all, Koreans look really stupid with bleached blond hair. Secondly, this was a female mullet, which always knocks it up a few notches in my book. It was just a large frizzy mass of hair on an old ajumma with bad skin and WAY too much make-up. I think the fact that she thought it made her look good is what propelled it to my new number one. I frantically tried to get my camera out to take a picture, but by the time it was set up, she was gone, and I think security would have tackled me if I went sprinting back into the offices waving and shouting. I'll try to finish early on Friday as well to set up a picture of the magnificence.

Simona

Hey, Simona has a blog that I had no idea about! Go check it out for all of the child abuse, random stories that I've forgotten about, or didn't bother with at the time.

Another one bites the dust

This weekend we had the successful manacling together of two more of my friends. Naturally, this brought with it much jibing as to when Mina and I are going to get hitched. I will give my friends in question the benefit of the doubt and assume that most of it was good natured. I suppose it was due, because it's been a few months since anyone has pestered me with questions of the sort.

The wedding itself went off without any major hitches, unless you count the roof collapsing. It also featured me wearing a hanbok for the first time, helping carry Dan into the proceedings. The hanbok itself wasn't so bad, except that mine kept shedding parts as I moved around. The focal point though, was the ridiculous hats that they gave us to go along with them.

It was an outdoor wedding at one of the palaces in Seoul, and right at the end of the ceremony, it started pouring down rain, which filled the tarp roof, causing it to come down (fortunately after everyone had skedaddled).

Everything else at the wedding was pretty normal. The bride looked gorgeous, Dan looked gangly, and everyone was appropriately chuffed with the whole thing. Had a nice dinner after, then went on to Cargo, which Dan somehow managed to rent out for a few hours before opening up as usual at nine. All in all, one of the better wedding experiences I've had.

This was Dan's second of four marriages. He did the justice of the peace thing (or it's Korean equivalent) a little while ago, did this wedding for the bride's parents, and next they're going to do it all over again in England for his folks, who didn't come out for this ceremony. Finally, they're going to Turkey, and having the wedding on the beach that the two of them actually wanted to have in the first place. All in all, a lot of weddings.

Vocabulary

There are quite a number of words and phrases that I know how to say in Korean that I really wish I didn't. Here is a short list of examples;

완자 폭탄 - Nuclear bomb
변태 - Pervert (my kids love this word)
떵집 - shit house (which is what the kids yell as they try to jab you in the corn hole)
사살하지마 비밀 많이 아세요! - Don't shoot, I know many secrets! (ok, that one's just fun)
누가 머리를 발로 쳤어 - Someone kicked me in the head (it happens way too often)
눈이 상쳤어요 - I scratched my eye

It's the last one that has been giving me no end of bothers over the last few days. Somehow in the course of taking out my lenses I managed to scratch the cornea of my eye. It feels exactly like it sounds. My eye has been bright red and almost always shut as a result for the last few days.

I went to the optometrist to find out what was wrong, and spent a good 30 minutes leafing through magazines trying not to ogle the sexy nurses that were floating past. When I finally got in to see Dr. Kim and his assistant Ms. Kim, he took all of two seconds looking at me before telling the nurse I had scratched my eye, told her what medicine I should take and walked away. Admittedly, he only charged me ten bucks, but that's not too bad for two seconds work if you can get it. We went out to the secretary Ms. Kim, who wrote out the prescriptions that were filled by the ajossi in the Pharmacy, Mr. Kim. One of the things they gave me must have been a pain killer, because my eye is still red and sensitive, but I feel no pain, which is always a bonus.

The winter pudge

I have reached a new record! I'm now 93kgs and officially a big fat ass! Go me! I went to sign up for the gym today after noticing my man boobs growing out of proportion. I hadn't weighed myself all winter long, and now I found out I put on about 10 kilos. That's not a good thing. Me and the gym are going to be hanging out quite a bit for the next several months. Maybe I should walk up the 20 flights of stairs to my house... no, because then I would probably fall over, roll back down and expire.

In other news, Dan's bachelor party went out with no worries. We did bachelor party type of things, and then watched Nathan run off at 4:30am to go do more partying as is his wont.

Mina's birthday was also this weekend, but that didn't go quite as smoothly. Everything was fine until about 2ish when the Jaeger shots people had been plying her with started to take effect and she tried molesting me in public. We got her to the next place, and I got safely behind the drums where she couldn't get to me. I reealised quickly though that she was fading fast (and still drinking more Jaeger) so I took her home at which point she trashed our brand new pad. The only up side is that the new furniture didn't come this weekend, so she had no chance to destroy it.

My house

My new apartment KICKS ASS!

I've heard before that people are always looking for one of three things; a new job, a new girl, or a new apartment. I've spent so much time over the last year cursing my apartment, that I can finally turn my attention to the other two. I'm not planning on chucking Mina to the curb, so that leaves only the job. This week even that hasn't been so bad. Hayden came back to work to spread the workload out a bit, all of my crap phone teaching students were given to a Korean teacher to call, middle school trips are letting me out two hours early at the end of the week, and because of Children's Day on Saturday, we're just having parties all day tomorrow. Now if only I could breathe...

I picked up a nasty little respiratory infection from breathing in too much dust over the weekend, so the first thing I have to do when I get up is hack out the pieces of lung that have come detached during the night. This on top of allergies makes me less than happy. However, the pain in the ass factor is acceptable since I acquired said infection getting into the awesomeness that is my apartment. It's at least three, probably four times the size of my old house, and that's not including the upstairs storage area. Pictures will be forthcoming once I fix my camera.